My dreams and goals in life tend to change and disappear as fast as they occur. There’s thousands of ideas running through my head each second of every day and night. But they’re very hard to grab and follow.

But there is one. I know what you’re expecting. Some blaha about love and loneliness. As always. And this is not very far away. But it’s different.

I dream about waking up each morning and do what I need to do and want to do. I dream about handling such simple needs as eating proper meals on normal times. Or going to the grocery store, buy my food for the next days and then finish this food like I planned to. I dream about being able to plan this kind of duties without starting to cry. I dream about remembering appointments with friends. I dream about not disappointing them for forgetting what they said or ”Not listening”. I dream about accepting and admitting this ”weakness” to my best friends. I dream about being able to tell them how much I struggle with those small things that seems like the simplest thing to them. I dream about crying in their arms or surroundings instead of keeping it all in. I dream about telling them those things instead of writing about it.

I dream about structure. In my daily life. In my training. In my brain. In my business. In my physiotherapy. I dream about being in control of my own life, so I can help people in much worse situations. I would have a lot of resources to help the refugees in Europe, fighting for their lives. Or any other of the way bigger problems in our world. If I didn’t waste those resources on fighting this crisis inside of myself.

My life is awesome. I love my life. It’s beautiful, free and strong. But there’s a monster in my mind, soul and body that tries to tell me something is wrong.

I have a dream. About having a dream.