For many reasons, silence is the perfect title of this post. My ”blog” has been silent for longer than my songwriting. And when it comes to certain strong emotions, my heart has been like a stone since… Very long. It’s also been exactly two years since I played my own not-finished song at my mum’s funeral. A swedish song named ”Tystnaden” (The Silence).

Watch the video ”Tystnaden” on YouTube

Silence can be one of the most beautiful things. But also one of the most heavy and devastating. The silence that haunts me the most right now is the emotional one. The feeling of not being open to love. Or life. After great losses in life, one gets afraid of losing more. I meet wonderful people who opens their hearts to me. I open my eyes and I open my mind. But the heart reminds cold. But that’s not painful to me, except the pain of hurting someone else. The most hurtful are those moments when I meet someone and just can’t stop it (not like I want to stop it, but there are moments when the control is not mine).

I said I don’t want to stop it. But I somehow wish I could. Maybe not stop it but at least hold it back and not express it all. Because this storm of emotions and thoughts always looks like desperation when it reaches the receiver. And you all know what occurs when you express too much too early? Yes you do. Silence. Another silence. Much stronger silence. It’s somehow beautiful in a poetical way. But living that silence makes me ask thousands of questions about what’s going on on the other side. I hold it back but I can’t seem to stop myself express some of it. Just a tiny bit of one of the theories. I push away that beautiful person who was the source of the feelings. She slowly disappears into forgetting me as a freak she once met and I slowly disappear into another period of silence. And we’re back at the start of this vicious circle. You’ve been there too, right?

My big sister Fia Lehikoinen wrote something beautiful on the subject:

Silence to me is a message. One that is impossible to read. And as beautiful as silence can be I prefer clarity. I chose to interpret it as the time to gracefully let go. Live in the present

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And of course she’s right. She’s very right. It’s all about living in the present. But the emotions are also parts of the present. And it takes a long while to let them pass by. Especially if they’re strong.